Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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