So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
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I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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