.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
