My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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