apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
