someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
