I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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