Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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