You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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