For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
