Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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