time to smoke my breakfast
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
