im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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