Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
