she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
