You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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