So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
