i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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