i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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