I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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