Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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