I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
