I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
