She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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