i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
