I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
