you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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