please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
