If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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