May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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