I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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