$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
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My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
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he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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