she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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