Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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