i permit you to call me
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
