i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
