someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
