I think I won the penis lottery.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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