I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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