so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
