I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
