Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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