Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
