Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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