i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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