Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm both gender and math confused
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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