Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
