There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
