butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We were destined to go to rehab together
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
