did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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