I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
