What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
