Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
