Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
