oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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