nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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