my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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