you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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