They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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