This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
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So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
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Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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